The strength of a man ....

I didn't write this - just read it and loved it.




The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders
It's seen in the width of his arms that circle you.
The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice,
It's in the gentle words he whispers.
The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has,
It's how good a buddy he is with his kids.
The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work,
It's in how respected he is at home.
The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits,
It's in how tender he touches.
The strength of a man isn't in the hair on his chest,
It's in his heart...that lies within his chest.
The strength of a man isn't how many women he's loved,
It's in how he can be true to one woman.
The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift,
It's in the burdens he carries.

If THATS love... I don't want it.

Against my better judgment, I decided to watch "The Bachelor" tonight. I have been hearing women rave about it for years, but never took the time to watch an episode. I must say it is the most appalling, disrespectful, ridiculous show I have ever seen in my entire life! Those of you who love the show or think that this man deserves anything other than swift kick in his groin should stop reading now.

How on earth does anyone watch this show and enjoy it? Twenty minutes after it started I was so mad I was ready to call ABC & let them know what idiots they were for producing such a preposterous program. I am assuming with the ratings & money they are bringing in, they care nothing about what I have to say - Looks like I will just blog about it.

First off all "The Bachelor" that everyone thinks is so sweet, caring, and perfect is a PIG! Hate to break it to you ladies, but the man is a player. He's worthless and if he wasn't on TV with his new veneers & swanky suits ABC put him in, no one would even be interested. One might argue that this less than intelligent individual has something to offer, but I beg to differ. There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with a man that looks like THAT and has to go on national TV to find "love."

Within four minutes he has kissed three woman & expressed from the very bottom of his loving heart how much and how deeply he cares. He is selfish, self centered, and an absolute liar. If you think this type of love is real or sweet than maybe you should consider being with a Polygamist!

The worst part of this foolish charade is that I am almost positive there is a woman on the show that honestly believes this idiot is going to be faithful when she gets him home! He has been getting what he wants, when he wants it, from multiple gorgeous women. Why would he stop when the cameras stop rolling? If he is going to kiss on your roommate, it is inevitable he is going to have relations with every woman that that will allow it after the show.

Even more appalling than his behavior, is that there are women on this show that have babies at home! Being a momma DOES NOT mean leaving your babies at home while you go on TV and beg for attention from a man. How about getting a little self respect for you and your child. Once you have babies, you are not just dating for you. If that person does not work for your children than they shouldn't be working at all.

I'll be damned if I EVER beg for a man the way these women are. Maybe I am old fashioned but I fully believe in men PURSUING women. I need a man intelligent enough to know that monogamy is not something you make dining tables out of, & confident enough to only be with one woman at a time. For those of you who think it's okay to beg to be with an unfaithful man, I wish you luck. I personally think it's disgusting & a total lack of self respect.

I'll be smokin'

In the picture above is one of my best friends Amy Jetty & myself doing a little dancing. Amy and I have known each other since the eighth grade & have been dancing together since about a week after we met. The school had dances but we went ahead and spent a large amount of time dancing in our bedrooms, dancing with my mom’s broom, dancing in the car... ect. It was also in the eighth grade that we came across one of my mom's old party CD's that had Clarence Carter's hit Strokin' on it. Immediately I fell head over heels in love with the song. I played it over and over and over again. I had no idea it wasn't appropriate because I was clueless to what the words were. My version of strokin' went something like this-

When I start makin' LUNCH I don't just make LUNCH... I be SMOKIN'
That's what I be doin', huh
I be SMOKIN'

I SMOKE it to the east
And I SMOKE it to the west
And I SMOKE it to the woman that I love the best
I be SMOKING' (This is the part of the song where I would pretend I had a cigarette in my hand and blow out fake smoke)

Let me ask you somethin'...
What time of the day do you like to make LUNCH (OH, ABOUT NOON)
Have you ever made LUNCH just before breakfast (SOMETIMES I EAT PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST)
Have you ever made LUNCH while you watched the late, late show (ALL THE TIME)
Well, let me ask you this
Have you ever made LUNCH on a couch (OH YEAH... ESPECIALLY WHEN MOM ISN'T HOME)
Well, let me ask you this
Have you ever made LUNCH on the back seat of a car (DUH, EVERYTIME WE GO TO THE LAKE)
I remember one time I made LUNCH on the back seat of a car
And the police came and shined his light on me, and I said:

I'm SMOKING', that's what I'm doin', I be SMOKING


Now I am sure you can imagine my surprise my first time out dancing after I turned twenty one when my favorite song came on & I was the only one who pulled my fake cigs out and went smoking across the dance floor. I just didn't understand why I was the ONLY ONE that knew the dance....
Luckily someone caught on to my unfortunate misunderstanding of the lyrics and was willing to explain the song to me. I was a bit devastated and disgusted but the beat was still good so I laughed it off & kept dancing to it every time it came on.



Since Amy Jetty has been my best friend for so many years she understands my love for the song and how important it is we dance to it anytime we are out & it comes on. We never did learn the line dance so we usually just go to the middle and hook on to some people who seem to know it and try to follow along. A few weeks ago while we were out we did just that. As soon as I heard the song starting I jumped for joy, grabbed Amy, and headed out to the dance floor. As soon as we started dancing a very nice older gentleman took quite the interest in Amy. He was about 5'11 and maybe 93 pounds. He was wearing starched jeans and a cowboy hat that I am pretty sure he had just bought hours before. He didn't just know the words & steps to strokin, he also knew how to do the splits & spin his little fragile body in about 30 circles at a time. Within about fifteen seconds of us dancing with him his new cowboy hat was on Amy's head and he had dropped down to do the splits three or four times. Being the super nice girls that we are we tried to just laugh at each others dancing and let him spin like a top and drop whenever he felt the need. We continued to sing a long to the lyrics (The new ones that I just found out about) and dance with each other. About mid song Amy started getting a little excited about the lyrics that were coming up and began to wave her arms around all while shaking her hips and trying not to step on the cowboy that kept dropping below her. All of a sudden I heard a woman scream as if she was in a lot of pain. Amy had accidentally punched her in the nose while getting her strokin groove on. I tried to tell the girl we were sorry and sometimes the song just gets us excited. She ended up leaving the dance floor, possibly with a broken nose. Sure we felt bad but leaving the dance floor with her wasn't going to stop the pain she was experiencing so we continued making up our own steps and taking turns with the cowboy. At the end of the song we were really getting into the beat and singing all the words as loud as we could when I noticed our little friend went down (Probably to do the splits again) but never came back up. Oh no... Did our sexy strokin dance give the poor old man a heart attack? Or did he break his fragile little leg the last time he went down? None of the above- He was laying down on the dance floor holding his man area. YES Amy, accidentally got him too. She didn't just bump him, she did some damage. When I asked if he was okay he just couldn't seem to get the words out. Apparently the hit knocked the breath right out of him. He finally found it in himself to stand up slowly, lift his hat off her head, and inch his way off the dance floor.

I really did feel bad for him. Maybe we should have offered an ice pack but I think we both felt that was an area he should handle himself. The good news is a few hours later he was back on the floor doing the splits and putting his brand new hat on another woman that was much closer to his age.

As far as we know there was no permanent damage done to either victim. We never did see the girl Amy punched again, but I like to think she prob just went home to lay down from the impact of the hit. (Or maybe she's getting a nose job) who knows.

Amy now knows to be a little more careful with her dancing arms & now I always read the lyrics to songs before making up my own dances. - Life lessons learned.

You get what you pay for

Recently I have been trying to spend money on things that are just absolutely necessary. In my book this includes groceries, gas, shoes, designer handbags, and of course massages. When a new massage parlor moved into town I was thrilled to find out they offered discount massages on certain days. Being the responsible adult that I am, I waited until discount day for my treat of total relaxation. I decided taking my boyfriend at the time would be a fabulous date and way to bond. (It was the number two suggestion in Cosmo's list of sexy things to do together as a couple.) As soon as I stepped foot in the building I knew this was going to be a mistake. The massage rooms were not really rooms at all. They were small spaces with curtains. I don't mean cute flowery curtains - they were dreadful icky curtains. The whole building has a very odd smell & the floors looked dirty. I gave my date the "let's get the heck out of here stare" but he didn't catch on. (Not a big surprise) We were escorted into our separate curtain areas for our treatments. Just as I was laying down on the massage bench I heard a "Pssssst.... Ashley... Pssssttt...ASHLEY!!!! Do I keep my clothes on?" Apparently my boyfriend at the time had never had a massage. I told him to take off what he was comfortable with & lay down on his little table. Just as I was getting settled in on my table I heard a scream coming from the next room. Apparently I forgot to tell the boyfriend to get under the covers on the massage table after he undressed. He gave his masseuse quite the surprise. I laughed out loud and thought to myself that's what he gets for letting that door slam in my face today at lunch. After I stopped giggling I settled back under the covers & prayed I wouldn't see a roach. Just as I was closing my eyes in walks my masseuse. To completely understand this story you must know she was of Asian descent and did not speak very good English. She introduced herself as Tina and asked if I was ready for my massage. I assured Tina I was ready as I would ever be. Tina forgot her lotion so she told me she would be back in a few minutes. She then proceeded to open the curtain, walk into the lobby (the curtain is still very open) mosey around until she found her bottle of lemon tree lotion, and then when she was good and ready came back into my small area and closed the curtain. I was completely mortified. What if someone had seen me naked? Yes I was under the covers unlike my poor boyfriend one curtain over, but I was still naked under that thin sheet! Tina walked over to my massage table and asked if I was naked. I told her yes. She lifted up my sheet just to make sure... Really Tina?!?! Must you check??? Ugh.. Very unprofessional! Tina then started to give me my massage while asking me a series of questions that went something like this-
Tina- Do you have husband?
Me- No.
Tina- You have kids?
Me- No.
Do You have boyfriend?
Me- He's one curtain over.
Tina- Ohhhhhhhh.
Me- Ohhhh?
Tina- You are very pretty lady.
Me- Ehh, thanks you too.

The massage continued and I began thinking to myself it was odd she said I was pretty but maybe that was her way of being nice. After all, what woman doesn't like being told she is pretty?
Fifteen minutes later after Tina told me I was pretty she was still rubbing my butt. Hmmmm... Last I checked I usually hold most of my tension in my neck & back. I decided not to say anything and just hoped for the best. About five minutes later I felt Tina smack my rear end so hard I about bounced off of the massage table. This is not a joke. Tina reared back and gave me the hardest Asian spanking anyone has probably EVER endured. As soon as she spanked me she told me I could go ahead and roll over. I'm thinking, "Ohh goody Tina, because I just can't wait to see what happens next." As soon as I rolled over she pulled my very thin sheet completely off. I sat up and explained to Tina I was going to need my sheet back. Not only was I totally embarrassed but I was also freezing. She put her hand on her head like I was totally stressing her out and tossed a blanket at me from a near by shelf. At this point I am pretty sure I am being punked. I started looking around for cameras, wondering when I'll hear my date next door laugh. Something’s go to give. There is no way this massage is for real. After I layed down and covered myself back up without Tina's help she started working on my arms. Tina turned into chatty Kathy again and had multiple questions.

Tina- You like it?
Me- Uhh like what?
Tina- MASSAGE!!! MASSAGE!! Are you asleep???
Me- No Tina, I am very awake.
Tina- Your really pretty.
Me- Again, thank you Tina.

I'm not going to lie. I was a little worried Tina might be crazy. I usually have a gun in my purse but of course not on this day. I did have a taser but I wasn't sure if I could taser someone while I was naked. I suppose the device works the same but as I was picturing myself jumping up out from underneath my itchy blanket to taser Tina in the buff, I kept thinking of 1,000 things that could go wrong. Can a taser backfire? Oh geez, what if it did and it killed me and I was naked in the crime scene.... Okay tasering Tina is not the answer if she goes crazy.. Maybe I could karate chop her. No. Of course a white naked girl isn't going to beat up an Asian girl using karate.

Lucky for me Tina continued to be unprofessional and cut our hour massage down to thirty minutes. At this point I was thanking Jesus! When she told me we were all done she ripped my itchy blanket off of me, folded it up, and put it back on the shelf where she had originally picked it up. BAH!?!?! I already felt totally violated and now I was covered in germs too. I wanted to vomit. When Tina left the room I got dressed faster than I ever had in my life. I walked out of my curtain area and over to where my date was standing. We paid for our fabulous experience and began walking towards the truck. When we were almost to the truck Tina came running after us screaming, "You forgot to tip me, you forgot to tip me" UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Unfortunately I was not being punked and the massage was far from a joke. My mamma always says, "You get what you pay for." I never thought a cheap massage would turn into such a mortifying experience but we live and we learn. I'm pretty sure Tina has probably married one of her female clients by now and is continuing to give massages. I decided I would rather wear cheap shoes and buy expensive massages. I'll take blistered toes over Asian spankings any day.