You get what you pay for

Recently I have been trying to spend money on things that are just absolutely necessary. In my book this includes groceries, gas, shoes, designer handbags, and of course massages. When a new massage parlor moved into town I was thrilled to find out they offered discount massages on certain days. Being the responsible adult that I am, I waited until discount day for my treat of total relaxation. I decided taking my boyfriend at the time would be a fabulous date and way to bond. (It was the number two suggestion in Cosmo's list of sexy things to do together as a couple.) As soon as I stepped foot in the building I knew this was going to be a mistake. The massage rooms were not really rooms at all. They were small spaces with curtains. I don't mean cute flowery curtains - they were dreadful icky curtains. The whole building has a very odd smell & the floors looked dirty. I gave my date the "let's get the heck out of here stare" but he didn't catch on. (Not a big surprise) We were escorted into our separate curtain areas for our treatments. Just as I was laying down on the massage bench I heard a "Pssssst.... Ashley... Pssssttt...ASHLEY!!!! Do I keep my clothes on?" Apparently my boyfriend at the time had never had a massage. I told him to take off what he was comfortable with & lay down on his little table. Just as I was getting settled in on my table I heard a scream coming from the next room. Apparently I forgot to tell the boyfriend to get under the covers on the massage table after he undressed. He gave his masseuse quite the surprise. I laughed out loud and thought to myself that's what he gets for letting that door slam in my face today at lunch. After I stopped giggling I settled back under the covers & prayed I wouldn't see a roach. Just as I was closing my eyes in walks my masseuse. To completely understand this story you must know she was of Asian descent and did not speak very good English. She introduced herself as Tina and asked if I was ready for my massage. I assured Tina I was ready as I would ever be. Tina forgot her lotion so she told me she would be back in a few minutes. She then proceeded to open the curtain, walk into the lobby (the curtain is still very open) mosey around until she found her bottle of lemon tree lotion, and then when she was good and ready came back into my small area and closed the curtain. I was completely mortified. What if someone had seen me naked? Yes I was under the covers unlike my poor boyfriend one curtain over, but I was still naked under that thin sheet! Tina walked over to my massage table and asked if I was naked. I told her yes. She lifted up my sheet just to make sure... Really Tina?!?! Must you check??? Ugh.. Very unprofessional! Tina then started to give me my massage while asking me a series of questions that went something like this-
Tina- Do you have husband?
Me- No.
Tina- You have kids?
Me- No.
Do You have boyfriend?
Me- He's one curtain over.
Tina- Ohhhhhhhh.
Me- Ohhhh?
Tina- You are very pretty lady.
Me- Ehh, thanks you too.

The massage continued and I began thinking to myself it was odd she said I was pretty but maybe that was her way of being nice. After all, what woman doesn't like being told she is pretty?
Fifteen minutes later after Tina told me I was pretty she was still rubbing my butt. Hmmmm... Last I checked I usually hold most of my tension in my neck & back. I decided not to say anything and just hoped for the best. About five minutes later I felt Tina smack my rear end so hard I about bounced off of the massage table. This is not a joke. Tina reared back and gave me the hardest Asian spanking anyone has probably EVER endured. As soon as she spanked me she told me I could go ahead and roll over. I'm thinking, "Ohh goody Tina, because I just can't wait to see what happens next." As soon as I rolled over she pulled my very thin sheet completely off. I sat up and explained to Tina I was going to need my sheet back. Not only was I totally embarrassed but I was also freezing. She put her hand on her head like I was totally stressing her out and tossed a blanket at me from a near by shelf. At this point I am pretty sure I am being punked. I started looking around for cameras, wondering when I'll hear my date next door laugh. Something’s go to give. There is no way this massage is for real. After I layed down and covered myself back up without Tina's help she started working on my arms. Tina turned into chatty Kathy again and had multiple questions.

Tina- You like it?
Me- Uhh like what?
Tina- MASSAGE!!! MASSAGE!! Are you asleep???
Me- No Tina, I am very awake.
Tina- Your really pretty.
Me- Again, thank you Tina.

I'm not going to lie. I was a little worried Tina might be crazy. I usually have a gun in my purse but of course not on this day. I did have a taser but I wasn't sure if I could taser someone while I was naked. I suppose the device works the same but as I was picturing myself jumping up out from underneath my itchy blanket to taser Tina in the buff, I kept thinking of 1,000 things that could go wrong. Can a taser backfire? Oh geez, what if it did and it killed me and I was naked in the crime scene.... Okay tasering Tina is not the answer if she goes crazy.. Maybe I could karate chop her. No. Of course a white naked girl isn't going to beat up an Asian girl using karate.

Lucky for me Tina continued to be unprofessional and cut our hour massage down to thirty minutes. At this point I was thanking Jesus! When she told me we were all done she ripped my itchy blanket off of me, folded it up, and put it back on the shelf where she had originally picked it up. BAH!?!?! I already felt totally violated and now I was covered in germs too. I wanted to vomit. When Tina left the room I got dressed faster than I ever had in my life. I walked out of my curtain area and over to where my date was standing. We paid for our fabulous experience and began walking towards the truck. When we were almost to the truck Tina came running after us screaming, "You forgot to tip me, you forgot to tip me" UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Unfortunately I was not being punked and the massage was far from a joke. My mamma always says, "You get what you pay for." I never thought a cheap massage would turn into such a mortifying experience but we live and we learn. I'm pretty sure Tina has probably married one of her female clients by now and is continuing to give massages. I decided I would rather wear cheap shoes and buy expensive massages. I'll take blistered toes over Asian spankings any day.